Dear Wills…

Hi there,

Mama here. Ya know, that soft, pale, big eyed blonde you got to snuggle with so much. Did I smother you with affection? I certainly hope so. I can’t wait to do it again one day…just get ready. I plan to embarrass you in front of your friends 🙂
I sit in your nursery tonight…missing you, praying, loving God, listening to our song, missing you, hearing Dad and Fenley play a room away, aching, missing you, drinking a glass of wine, rocking, and did I mention missing you?
What a celebration of your life yesterday. I felt like I was having an out of body experience..sitting in a peaceful room with an 18″ casket that held your tired body that was in my womb for 36 weeks. The same baby who gave me labor after I had begged God that I would get to experience labor with you. You broke my water and everything! We made a good team I think 🙂 we still do. 
How did you do it here for 15 days? You made it look easy. But I know as a premie white male with Trisomy 18 that what you did here was no easy thing. You’re a stud. My seriously joyful and strong baby boy. 
People keep telling me to grieve. I am tempted to google “grief” and the stages of grief. What I do know is this, baby boy… Just about every thought, emotion, tear, empty ache, and joy is processed with Jesus. How good is He that He sits with this seriously grieving mother and tends to my heart? Just know I’m doing my best to feel everything here and give it back to Jesus as a sweet offering of my heart and my love for you and for Him. It’s really all I can muster the energy for right now anyway…
I wish I could understand everything around every corner but I cannot. You taught me that. Thank you. There’s beauty around every corner…especially the scary ones. 
I’m on mission now, Wills – just like you were. I’m setting my mind on a pilgrimage to the Heavenly Jerusalem – where YOU are sweet boy!!! – and have a new desire to take people with me. I hope to arrive with a line of folks that we have helped meet Jesus. 
Your room is legit. I love it. It’s my favorite place in this house right now. I love that I got to raise you here. 
If I could ask you one thing – it would be have you met Mallie our black lab that died before you were here? Do y’all get to play fetch? Is she still goofy as all get out and hyper as can be? Is she boys best friend in Heaven, too? I hope so 🙂 I know y’all will take good care of each other til we get there. 
I’ll NEVER forget the night we got to nap on the couch and I dozed off looking at your dreamy face and missed your feeding by an hour and 20 minutes – sorry again about that 🙂 
I appreciate the relationship I have with your big sister more now because of you. I now cherish her smell like never before. You did that for me.
Your dad and I are enjoying the heck out of each other – we’ve slept closer, hugged longer and lingered a lot lately. Except for when I get crispy. Then he’s nowhere to be found 🙂 I don’t blame him. I’m glad you didn’t get to know that part of my personality. 
I’m not a hypochondriac anymore! I welcome the departing from this life into that life. Used to I would get the hiccups and think it could be chronic. No more, buddy. You’ve given me courage. 
Visited your grave today to clip some flowers for drying. It was really sentimental and sweet. I was surprised… Jeff kindly reminded me it was just me and God there. That helped. 
Ate a cupcake for you today. I now have an excuse for my massive sweet tooth. Thank you for that, too 🙂
Too much to say. I’ll go for now… Hugs, kisses, snuggles and high fives…

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