Where’s the warning for “birthday approaching grief”? Geez. Had no clue how intense it would be. It’s a completely different grief coming up on the one year birthday mark. Something about this just cracks you wide open and all of your heart just gushes out onto the floor in a puddle. Or manifests itself in an adult temper tantrum where you actually chunk your plastic garbage can up against the door frame and it breaks. Then you have to tell your husband why your mini under the sink garbage can is inside the larger garbage can. Can’t make this stuff up. Complete miracle that we have been on the same page the past few days… when I get misty eyed, he does too. When he feels encouraged, so do I. When I cry, he cries and vice versa.
Grief will humble you. You’re rocking along, owning this whole “life” thing… talkin’ with Jesus, baking, parenting, joking around… then out of nowhere, a tidal wave of the deepest ache the human heart can know. Have found myself in a crash course of relearning everything I’ve known to be true to this point.
Stumbled across a post by Ann Voskamp earlier. About giving thanks for the meager and unlikely. And how the apostle Paul “knew that which didn’t look like anything good might yield good, all in the hand of a good God.”
It’s not a question of why. Or even how. It’s not a debate in theology… all that is fine, and sure, it entertains the brain and makes for some enlightening conversation from time to time. But really it’s just a question of Who. Who made me? Who carries me? Who loves me? Who aches when I ache? Who loves my son more than I do? Who put me here, in this generation, for a purpose? Who says I can do all things through Him? Who says this is all worth it? The Who of life is what life is about… Who calls me to love, and Who calls me to forgive… and then equips me to do both.
It’s gotta be God. It’s gotta be scripture. It’s gotta be about Him.
Does that mean that all you do is sit at home all day and read and pray and analyze God’s hand in your life? Nooooo. Some days, maybe. But no. He has equipped us to do life here. You can underwater a plant, and you can overwater it. Get your “water” and “manna” everyday. Then go do His work He has given you.
I thought for sure we would be pregnant by now. Really thought another baby would be so healing and necessary at this point on my grief journey. But God has given me just a tid bit of insight… As we approach Wills’ first birthday next Friday, He wants me missing one little boy in particular who rocked my world and changed me forever. God’s in no rush. I wanna be poppin’ babies out or pickin’ orphans up til the doctor says no more c-sections and Walt tells me no more room under this roof.
God’s call doesn’t always happen over night. In the last year, I have wanted to: sell our house, build a house, renovate a house, redo our house, open a bakery, start a non profit, have another baby, go to nursing school, open a commercial kitchen, go to work full time at Baptist hospital, could go on and on.
And God has said… “Not just yet”. To EVERYTHING. Time to heal baby girl. Time to marinate in my Spirit. Time to learn some lifelong lessons here. Time to dig up some copper from the valley of the shadow of death. Time to find that He alone is enough. Time to slay some lies and shine the light on some darkness I’ve believed and held on to for too long. Time to let humility take root and tear down pride. I’ve learned so much in the last year that I really can’t even comprehend it. Pure grace and gift from the Lord my God. That He would meet me here and teach me and comfort me and really introduce Himself to me again. Just wow. Chills and teary eyes as I think of His love for me this last year. Not an easy year, but so necessary.
So I would say if you find yourself with lots of closed doors, let God meet you there and ask Him about Who He is and what He is up to… sometimes He’ll give you a lil insight 🙂
This time last year I didn’t know the marvelous unfolding that was waiting for me. Death? Yes. But who doesn’t die here? Beauty in death? Only my God can script that. I’m thrilled to be a steward and a mama bear in this story.
In celebration of the best normal we had for 15 days… here are some pics. Happy Birthday Week Wills Bowie!!! Your mama misses you!!! If you enjoy a cupcake in honor of Wills this week, will you shoot me a picture via email or text? firstname.lastname@example.org. Would help make my week just a little bit sweeter.