Day 11 this time last year. Feelin’ a lil feisty tonight. Imagine that…
Had gotten to the point where I couldn’t hold Wills as much because his little body was so tired. Sweet boy. He was ready for Heaven but still had work to do here.
This post will be mostly about me and him and me as a mother. And it’s more for me as a mother than anything else too probably.
A woman takes so much pride in her children. Rightfully so. Such a beautiful picture of God with us.
Wills. He preferred his right side. He always sneezed twice. Every time someone touched his face he would close his eyes. He was the sweetest sleeper. And had the squeakiest little/sometimes loud cry. He looked so handsome in the outfit we brought him home in. You could tell he was proud to be going home. His car seat was called a “Dream Ride”… a flat car seat to help with his air flow. I pumped breast milk for him in his room. I froze breast milk and threw it out just this week thanks to a precious friend coming over to help. He got fed every 3 hours. He loved his crib. I still 100% believe Wills could see certain things that we can’t. He would fixate on something at only a few days old and watch it for forever. You could move him and his eyes would stay fixated. Maybe he could just see all the glory. Me and him were tight. As tight as the grip he would get on my pinky finger. He was and still is marvelously loved by us and ridiculously missed.
If I could turn back the clock, I would have had Fenley home all 10 nights spent here with us. Just us four under one sweet roof.
I stayed up on October 16th this year til the clock struck October 17th. I watched his birthday come. Cried like a baby til 1AM then barely cried on the actual birthday. We had breakfast at Chickfila. Did a balloon release that didn’t quite make it to the sky thanks to the abundance of pine trees in our backyard. I made lunch and we planted a tree. And had dinner with our small group, stopping by the cemetery on our way. Sounds morbid but once you actually walk out the death of a child, you realize you can do it. Phil 4.
Been a quiet few days. Been hard and been sweet. Lots of thinking. Some anger bubbling right below the surface… just being honest. Riding every wave like Jeff told us this time last year. Every wave that comes but fear, because fear is never of God. Still have a little trouble getting off the fear wave, but Jesus is my Teacher and I’m learning. His Word = daily bread. I starve without it.
Been an overwhelming time of being loved on by people in our lives. More marvelous fruit and stories. Going to buy a journal tomorrow at Anthropologie to start documenting the daily marvelous. Friend said: Jesus gives the marvelous. But Wills’ continuous gift to you is to have the ability to see the marvelous. Amen, sister.
And just a little public service announcement… I have 2 kids. Most moms who have a child/children in Heaven count that baby/those babies among her children. Because they are her children. She is a very much called mom to very much alive children. Alive in her heart and alive forever in eternity. She is a steward of their story and legacy here. Wills came, Wills lived, Wills conquered, Wills’ days were completed. And now he truly lives and I rejoice in that. I equally rejoice in knowing I have 2 children. Not 1. But 2. A major daddy’s girl and a major mama’s boy. Pretending I don’t have him in conversation is like trying to pretend Fenley isn’t sitting in my grocery cart at the checkout line. He’s as stamped on my life as she is. Both loved completely and individually by their mama and daddy…