Goodness, haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I honestly have felt completely unequipped to write anything lately. Life just has a way of getting so discouraging sometimes. This is hands down the loooooooongest winter I think I have ever lived. Ha. Maybe it’s being a year removed from my son’s life on earth that’s been so hard. Or I don’t know, maybe it’s just the day in and day outness of life that can so easily weigh us down.
After Wills died, my aunt called and asked me a few times how I was REALLY doing. I kept saying we are really doing great. I feel so close to God, I miss my son, I’m thrilled I had time with him. God has answered so many of our prayers. All the glory leading up to, during and after Wills’ life was such soul food for me. I remember truly feeling invincible in my spirit. Scared to death but brave in spite of it all. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a million times…… you can’t live on the mountaintop.
To be vulnerable now… there have been moments since Wills died that I have felt so under attack that it’s tangible. I have wrestled with God and wrestled with the enemy and wrestled with my faith and wrestled with my own heart. I’ve questioned everything. I’ve learned and relearned. I thought after Wills, things would be all rainbows and fresh revelation and deeper intimacy and joy with God, Walt and Fenley and the body of Christ. Granted, that has all happened. God has sent us more than our fair share of rainbows and marvelous testimonies. And He has revealed Himself so beautifully that I can never doubt His existence again. But the dailiness of life and the fact that as a believer we have a REAL enemy that wants to steal, kill and destroy any tree that is bearing REAL fruit has taken a very REAL toll on me.
Cue God. His relentless pursuit of me leaves me breathless. It makes me cry the happiest sweetest tears. His hand in my life is the ONLY thing that has kept me from stumbling and fumbling all over the place and never recovering. His plan for me, although slower to unfold than I would like sometimes, is absolutely perfect and beautiful. His love for me is so pure, so real, so true. He is my mainstay. He paid the BIGGEST price for my FREEDOM. We are promised fruit bearing, abundant lives. I mean really. What the heck. Why do we settle for anything less?
He has put a new song in my heart. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE A LIFE SONG THAT IS NOT TRUE. If you are a follower of Jesus Christ and you are believing anything short of what His word says about you, then you are believing lies. I’ve believed so many lies about myself and this last year they have tried to consume me. It has been a private struggle but a very painful one. Crippled with fear. Chicken. Not good enough.Too many to list. He’s near and He’s teaching… only one label really matters: His. I want to be a fruit bearing child of God, to the glory of God and that means being made new in His perfect love and His perfect Word day after day after day after day. The dailiness of life can definitely bog us down. Or it can make us new. He’s shown me it’s a choice. And I’m learning slowly. Will you pray for me in that? That His song over me would be louder and make all of the other labels and voices fade away….
If we can even just scratch the surface of His overwhelming love for us, we will be forever changed. His love is that perfect. His will is that good. His timing is that flawless. His ways are that amazing. Although sometimes we would like for His voice to come in an earthquake or a physical writing on the wall, often times it’s in a gentle whisper. Which requires us turning off our phones, purposing our hearts, drawing near, begging for insight and not quitting til we get it. Let me be a witness…. never once has He let me down when I seek Him with all of my weary exhausted anxious hungry heart. Every single time, He shows Himself to me and teaches me about Himself and even gives me little glimpses of His plan for my life. Every. Single. Time. He is good and His love endures forever (Psalm 136)… spending the rest of the day letting that sink in. My mentor Ruth taught me to sit with His Word and as you read, ask Him to make His word ALIVE and ACTIVE in you. He is faithful and will do just that.
Peace He left with us, to guard our hearts and minds. So pick up your peace and lay down the labels. He’s near 🙂
Oh, and sorry about the heavy blog post… the next one will be more fun, I hope!!
“I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27