Tonight I sit in bed by myself. And it’s so stinking great. I do miss you Walt but gosh down time is nice! My cute husband is in New York celebrating a friends wedding so don’t feel bad for him… no telling how much fun he’s having with his down time in NYC for four nights! I didn’t want to fly pregnant (I know it’s okay to fly pregnant, but not for me and not during this pregnancy) and it’s easier to buy ONE airline ticket than TWO when you’re sending your favorite four year old to private school and getting ready for another baby girl. Oh and maybe repainting the room you just painted as a playroom.
So what do mamas and daughters do while daddys are out of town? Ummm. We pick up sushi and Japanese sprite from Nagoya and watch HGTV in pajamas and play in makeup and scratch each others backs and then blog once the house is quiet!
When I signed on to my blog tonight I had a notice that I need to renew my domain name “Four Bowies”. I have to admit, being the over processor that I am, I’ve been debating what to do with the blog. I hope and plan to keep writing. But can’t decide what to do with the name of the blog. I certainly hoped this day would come. When we became a family of 5 instead of 4. Being a family of 4 while Wills was here changed our life forever… personally and as a family. Fenley will never be the same. I will never be the same. Walt will never be the same.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pretending he’s not a part of our family is like pretending I don’t pick Fenley up from school everyday and tuck her in every night. Wills and his life are an absolute treasure to us. And may I take a moment to encourage anyone who has ever lost a baby to share their story whenever you can. In this fast paced world we live in, to have a genuine moment with someone is rare. It’s a great opportunity to share about the value of life, no matter how short or pointless the world may call it. When people ask if this is my 2nd baby right now, I proudly (and ALWAYS) say in about 30 seconds or less that this is baby #3. That we have a son. That he had a fatal diagnosis in the womb. That he lived for 15 days. And that God used his short life to change us forever. Usually people tear up and we have a sweet moment and they smile and nod. And I tear up and smile and nod. God is still at work through that chapter and I believe that chapter will be a thread throughout every chapter from here on out. I am not sure I will ever be defined by anything more than when we became a family of 4. So… after much internal debate, I am going to keep the blog name Four Bowies even though the number is not accurate 🙂 it’s when things changed for our family and our marriage and I want to honor that chapter. So yes we will be a family of 4 HERE come August. But always always always at least a family of 5 FOREVER.
I wanted to share one short quick story tonight. I have not left a ton of stuff at Wills’ gravesite. I HATE fake flowers. And the section that he is buried in is not very big and there are rules about what kind of headstone you could order, etc. So on Good Friday, I talked Walt into taking Fenley and me to Michaels to try to find a fake moss cross to put on a stake behind his stone. Well they were all huge. Walt was getting antsy in Michaels – imagine that. And Fenley wouldn’t stop “shopping” (a.k.a. grabbing stuff and insisting that she’s getting it and throwing a fit when we told her repeatedly NO!). So I said forget it. But I felt this little nudge like I needed to do something THAT day. Which I thought at first was just mama guilt. But it kept coming back. So on our way out of Michael’s I saw the cutest little nest with 3 blue eggs in it. So I grabbed it. And I kept feeling this strong feeling that it had to be THAT day that we put it on his grave. Later on Walt and I got out for a date and we stopped by to put the nest on his stone. And as we were standing there feeling all weepy I just became absolutely positively overwhelmed with gratitude. Good Friday. My goodness. It’s Good Friday. The day Jesus died to overcome the grave. Of course I needed to come today. To be reminded that HE’S NOT THERE. Could there be a more perfect day to visit a gravesite for a Christian? Than Good Friday? I mean geez. Because Jesus did what He did on the cross, we could visit Wills’ grave and KNOW that he’s not there. It was the sweetest moment. He’s in HEAVEN. He’s not reincarnated. He’s not my guardian angel. He’s not stuck in that grave. He is a CHILD in HEAVEN with CREATOR GOD. He knows the curves of Jesus’ face and how to ride lions and plays in streams of living water and can’t wait to see us again but is so happy where he is that I can’t help but sob as I type this. Because of Jesus, Wills isn’t in that tiny grave with that cute little nest on top. He’s in paradise. Made for a pretty thought provoking and powerful Easter weekend, I’ll just say that. Our little 4th Bowie in paradise. Goodness.
Well, considering I’m a single parent this weekend while Walt is in New York I’m gonna go ahead and try to sleep.
Tired, happy, thankful, busy, nesting, napping-every-chance-I-get mama,