Sweet sweet sweet baby Wills. Or maybe I should say big boy Wills. You would be 2 now. I wonder how age is calculated in Heaven. Isn’t it wild that you know infinitely more than your mama and daddy? That thought makes me beam. When we get to Heaven, I feel sure you will be quite the know-it-all tour guide and I can’t wait.
You died two years ago this coming Sunday. Breaks my heart to type that out. As I held Emerson tonight and closed my eyes to remember what it felt like holding you, my memory was taken back exactly 2 years ago. Holding your warm life in my arms. Staring at you for hours. Then staying up til 12:01 the night of your dad’s birthday after literally begging God all day that you would not die that day. I didn’t leave your side except to serve your dad a quick double chocolate birthday cupcake. I am a huge birthday person (for myself and for anyone I love) and the thought of you dying on your dad’s birthday was just too much for this birthday loving mama heart. I knew we would never be able to truly celebrate it again. And you didn’t. You stuck around for 2 more days, hallelujah! God answered BIG in so many ways. Life with you was marvelous. Life remembering you is sweet. Life without you is hard. But life knowing where you are takes my breath away, in the best way. We grieve with hope. God-given-hope that keeps growing.
The last two years have been a doozie. 2014 is mostly hazy. The pieces are still coming together I feel like. God taught me SO much through your life and then through losing you and then through living without you. Learning how to live here with a huge chunk of me missing has proven impossible. Enter God. Who sent specific scriptures and the best of friends and amazing sermons and encouraging letters and marvelous testimonies… could go on and on. It’s Manna from His BIG gracious hand. Provision just like the Israelites had in the desert. They could not have survived the desert without God’s hand, literally. Water from a rock. Parting the Red Sea. He gets the glory for their desert survival. And He has provided perfectly in the desert of losing you and I will talk about it until I take my last breath.
I thought having Emerson would blur my memory of you. I was scared about that. But it has actually sharpened it. My mama heart somehow loves all 3 of you perfectly. I remember more things now. She jogs my memory of you. I love that.
We visited your tombstone on your birthday. Left a tiny white pumpkin. Wish we were carving pumpkins this October but that will have to do for now.
I would give anything to sit and listen to you tell stories about life in Heaven. I wanna know about your life there. Do you have blonde hair? Do you get to hang out with Jesus a lot or is he pretty busy? 🙂 Who is your best friend? Do y’all eat? Are you grown or a child? Do you know about Emerson? Please tell me you know Ruth well? Do y’all know what is going on down here? I have this mental picture of the day I finally get there. First, I sit at Jesus’ feet for what seems like an eternity and just weep that I made it there and that I am in God’s presence finally, whole and complete. Then I picture Jesus saying I have someone who has been waiting on you… I turn around and there you are grinning from ear to ear, knowing exactly who I am. That makes my heart sing. And I hug you for about 3 years earth time 🙂
In closing… I want you to know I’m learning more and more about God’s love for me. He used you to start that journey in my life. The depths of what He has taught me can’t be put into words. Your dad is awesome. He encourages me to read and to write and to bake and to do my mama gig well. He listens to sermons on road trips and takes notes in church and cries in worship – three things he didn’t do before you. We have a blast together – and when we fight, we make up quick. He is still my favorite person on this planet. Your big sister Fenley is HILARIOUS. And she still talks about you. Sometimes her eyes water when your name is brought up and I’m not 100% sure she knows those are tears. We love her innocence and cherish her little personality. She and I went through a list on your birthday of what all you would be doing now – she loved that list and asked me to repeat the list 3 times. Your little sister Emerson is a complete gift. We love her so much. The day she was born your dad and I both wept – remembering you and being overwhelmingly thankful for her. We sat in awe of God’s goodness on her birthday. And on your birthday this year we had family pictures taken. For the last few pictures we all ate a blue cupcake with a red heart, called the Wills cupcake. Thank you for being a strong little boy that hung on to this life for 15 days – a marvelous picture of fragile clay jars containing great treasure.
Miss you terribly,
“Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” Psalm 116